the footlocker


A year ago I was living in North Carolina, waiting for my husband to come home from a deployment and planning a cross-country move.  He’s home.  We’ve moved.  We’re planning our summer and projecting into our future.  Yet, over the past year, so many of our friends’ relationships have ended.  I find myself stuck between feeling guilty about and feeling gratitude for the marriage that I have, the friend that I cherish, the man that I love.  Tonight I am relaxing with some blueberry cobbler while Trevor’s playing the guitar.  It’s momentarily idyllic and I was reminded of a post from last June that I thought I’d share again.  I’ll be back with some new posts soon.  In the meantime, I’m wishing this for you tonight…

Trevor’s footlocker is home.

This may seem insignificant, but it marks the beginning of the end for me.  The footlocker is a sign of an impending finish.  The idea that Trevor is packing up the things he no longer needs and sending them home is hopeful.  I hope for no extensions.  I hope I will be sane enough for long enough.  I hope one day I will figure out why “hope” sounds so good and sometimes feels so bad.

The waiting game begins.

I am waiting for my best friend.  It is excruciating to go so long without hearing his voice.  I struggle knowing that despite all the people I share my world with, he is the only one who really knows what the core of me is thinking without me having to explain it.  I am bursting with excitement to share the mundane details of my everyday with him and yet, I am sick with the wait that lies ahead. But mostly, I am grateful that this amazing person is on his way home to me and that our everyday moments will be shared again.

I love that I miss him.  What if I didn’t?  I know that the distance between us makes it hard.  Painfully hard sometimes.  But, it makes us better too.

I wish this same kind of crazy adoration for you.  I am sure that in a few months I will be complaining about something but for now, I am fortunate to be loved and to love –  I want this for you.

Your heart should skip a beat at least once a day.  You should want to share your secrets, your joys, your foibles, your vulnerabilities.  You should be talking until long past midnight about nothing at all, enjoying one another’s company for no reason in particular other than there seems to be more to say.  You should feel confident and trustworthy in the quiet moments.  You should be made to feel beautiful and protected.  You should know that you are capable of being alone but even better when you are together.  You should know how it feels to have adoring eyes follow you across a room.  You should love yourself because you believe you are worthy of being loved.  You should love others because you know how amazing it feels to be loved.

You shouldn’t spend time wondering about whether it will work.  You should know from the depths of your body that it does work – even when it feels like it might not.  You should never feel alone.  You may be alone, but the answer to your emptiness should never be in doubt.

You should want your children to have what you have.  When it comes to love, they don’t deserve better; you should have already found the best.

You deserve to be happy.  You deserve someone who makes you happy.  Someone who would move heaven and earth to make you happy.

Tonight, I close my eyes knowing that all of this is mine.

He’s coming home.

The footlocker is here.


5 Responses to “the footlocker”

  1. 1 Jill

    Please don’t spend another second feeling guilty! This is a love that is to be treasured and cherished. Thank you for putting it out there so others know it exists, and what to hold out for.

  2. 2 Michelle

    It’s nice to have friends with a relationship that inspires others. Thanks for the good example…and the reminder of what it’s suppose to be like even after years of marriage. And where’s MY blueberry cobbler bitch?

  3. Wow, Amy, this is such an emotional and well-written post – thanks for re-posting and allowing those who missed it the first time around to read it!

  4. 5 Rebecca

    This brings me to my knees in such a new way this time, my dear friend, and I already loved it when I read it last year. You write gorgeously, live deeply, and love truly. Don’t ever apologize for any of it. You’re an inspiration, and what you have written is a road map for people like me starting out on a new route. Thank you.

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