like now

07May11

I run.  I use the time to think. I plan my days: my grocery list, my to-do list, my “finish by the end of the week” list.  I anticipate my girl’s moods afterschool, my husband’s call to tell me that his schedule changed, the coffee date I set with a friend.  As I run, I think about the girls I coach, the faces I’ve met, the job I want.  When I run, I write.  My legs and my mind move in unison and I promise myself I’ll sit down to type it tomorrow.

But tomorrow always starts with a run, which leads to a list and ends with a promise.

I’ve also been sluggish with my writing because I’ve been busy reading.  Researching if you will.  I am spending endless hours pouring through books of multiple genres to learn how to make myself “truly happy.”  Yep.  There it is, out loud for you to chuckle at.  This gal wants to be truly happy.  I want it to radiate from my core.

Of course, the experts tell you that to be happy you need to do the things that make you happy.  Run?  Check.  Read?  Check.  Write? Well, no. Not lately.

They tell you to live in the now, to enjoy the now, to relish in the satisfaction of knowing that you are solely responsible for changing your now.

I’m not enjoying now.  I’m cowering.  I feel like I owe someone (maybe me?) an apology.  I’ve been hiding from my own intrinsic happiness, thinking that everything I needed to be fulfilled I’d find tomorrow.   I haven’t enjoyed the little successes because I only want big ones, and, interestingly, I can’t put the BIG ones into words.

Today’s run was slow.  I only thought about myself which sounds selfish but I needed to make amends with my own expectations and renew my suffocated ideas and goals – the smaller ones that I’d convinced myself didn’t matter.  As I ran, my mind was busy writing and I was giddy at the mere thought of getting to the computer.  I was happy.  I set a small goal – write today.

Has it made me happy?  Sure.  I’m sipping wine and grinning while my fingers melodically strike the keyboard.  I haven’t once wished I was somewhere else.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll read an extra chapter on my quest for merriment.  Or maybe I’ll try to run a bit faster as I work through my lists and ideas.  And maybe I’ll embrace my now with a more open mind.

I’ll write.

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2 Responses to “like now”

  1. 1 Jenise

    So good to hear your thoughts written out in words.

  2. 2 Beth

    I’m sure you get more done on your “slow” run than I do in a week.


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