the footlocker

06Jun10

Trevor’s footlocker is home.

This may seem insignificant, but it marks the beginning of the end for me.  The footlocker is a sign of an impending finish.  The idea that Trevor is packing up the things he no longer needs and sending them home is hopeful.  I hope for no extensions.  I hope I will be sane enough for long enough.  I hope one day I will figure out why “hope” sounds so good and sometimes feels so bad.

The waiting game begins.

I am waiting for my best friend.  It is excruciating to go so long without hearing his voice.  I struggle knowing that despite all the people I share my world with, he is the only one who really knows what the core of me is thinking without me having to explain it.  I am bursting with excitement to share the mundane details of my everyday with him and yet, I am sick with the wait that lies ahead. But mostly, I am grateful that this amazing person is on his way home to me and that our everyday moments will be shared again.

I love that I miss him.  What if I didn’t?  I know that the distance between us makes it hard.  Painfully hard sometimes.  But, it makes us better too.

I wish this same kind of crazy adoration for you.  I am sure that in a few months I will be complaining about something but for now, I am fortunate to be loved and to love –  I want this for you.

Your heart should skip a beat at least once a day.  You should want to share your secrets, your joys, your foibles, your vulnerabilities.  You should be talking until long past midnight about nothing at all, enjoying one another’s company for no reason in particular other than there seems to be more to say.  You should feel confident and trustworthy in the quiet moments.  You should be made to feel beautiful and protected.  You should know that you are capable of being alone but even better when you are together.  You should know how it feels to have adoring eyes follow you across a room.  You should love yourself because you believe you are worthy of being loved.  You should love others because you know how amazing it feels to be loved.

You shouldn’t spend time wondering about whether it will work.  You should know from the depths of your body that it does work – even when it feels like it might not.  You should never feel alone.  You may be alone, but the answer to your emptiness should never be in doubt.

You should want your children to have what you have.  When it comes to love, they don’t deserve better; you should have already found the best.

You deserve to be happy.  You deserve someone who makes you happy.  Someone who would move heaven and earth to make you happy.

Tonight, I close my eyes knowing that all of this is mine.

He’s coming home.

The footlocker is here.

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4 Responses to “the footlocker”

  1. 1 Sylvia Santaballa

    looking back at old posts and loving this. YES!!!!

  2. 2 Rebecca

    OK, two things:

    1) I have been outrageously remiss in not leaving comments on your blog. Your writing is genius – it flows, it’s funny, it’s touching, and I always want more. You’re onto something big here, sister!

    2) This?

    “Your heart should skip a beat at least once a day. You should want to share your secrets, your joys, your foibles, your vulnerabilities. You should be talking until long past midnight about nothing at all, enjoying one another’s company for no reason in particular other than there seems to be more to say. You should feel confident and trustworthy in the quiet moments. You should be made to feel beautiful and protected. You should know that you are capable of being alone but even better when you are together. You should know how it feels to have adoring eyes follow you across a room. You should love yourself because you believe you are worthy of being loved. You should love others because you know how amazing it feels to be loved.”

    This is fodder for Your First Book, your first interview on The Today Show, and should go viral all across the internet. Especially in the context of the foot locker; I am quite sure that you are speaking for so many people whose partners are deployed, let alone for the rest of us.

    What you two have together is awesome, electric, and amazingly sweet. I feel so privileged to be able to read about it here in the ways that you write about it.

    We miss you guys, love you and wish you so much love and delight in all that you do to prepare for his homecoming!!!

  3. 3 Cat

    My Dear Friend…you are blessed.

  4. 4 Lynne Sanderson

    You do my heart good to read your words. I’m celebrating and smiling with you! Foot lockers … who would have thought they would hold so much.


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