Bring it on

11Apr10

There are really no words to explain what the past three weeks have been like.  I have been overwhelmed, exhausted, loved, elated, proud, successful, joyful, hated, stressed and filled with questions at any given moment, on any given day.  In hindsight, I suppose it hasn’t been that far away from the normal emotions that any one of us may experience on any given day.  But, I have felt burdened and heavy; tomorrow, I know, is the beginning of a brighter chapter.

It has been hard for me to determine the path of completion for the numerous tasks that have unfolded in the past 21 days.  Most of them were of my creation; I wanted to take and willfully planned a trip to NYC, which, I might add, was fantastic.  It seems passé to go back and fill you in on the wonderous moments of those days that we spent there but it was magical on many, many levels.  It was a bit of a challenge to come home to work and laundry and a 48-hour turn around for our Easter trip, but, we did it.  And, again, the girls rose to the occasion.  They were delighted to be with their family, enchanted by their cousin, and nothing short of angelic on the long drive home.  But then, exhausted and overwhelmed by the days ahead – I veered into anguish and uncertainty, panic masked by calm.

The past week was the first time I felt I may crumble.

It was the first time I feared the outcome; I was certain I was staring failure in face – a face I recognized as my own.

Why is it that we always believe we are capable of more?  Are we doing ourselves any favors by pushing the envelope of expectation?  Should we not just set reasonable goals and then happily fulfill them, with ease and satisfaction?  Why is the challenge of something more satisfying than the plain, old something?

I am tired of making decisions.  I am tired of being the final authority in this house.  I am tired.  (Have I said that before?)  It is getting a bit much to keep moving my own bar. I mean really, I think I may learn to be happy with the plain, old something.

But, dear Trevor, I am rallying for you.  I hope it comes off gracefully because most of the time, lately, it is sloppy and unpredictable.  I am trying to hear your voice, your words of belief, your laughing sigh of non-surprise, your “of course you did it” tone.  I see your eyes, alight with the challenge and squinting with anticipation.  I know you know.  You tell me I can.  And I am telling you the same.

I am going to follow your lead and the lead of others who inspire me, others who look beyond what they know they can do and always seek out the thing that they are unsure of.  That’s what really pushes me and propels me into each and every day (well, that, 3 cups of coffee, and a few iced glasses of sweet tea).

And to the others who inspire me. . . you amaze me with your steadfast determination.  I admire your perseverance and adore your sense of self.  I aspire to your kind soul and your enormous heart.  I love your honest words.  I covet your patience, enthusiasm, and the respect you have for all.  I long for your stamina on so many, many levels.  Believe me when I say you are my north star, leading and guiding me even when you don’t know it.  You spread so much joy, so quickly, among everyone you know and you support the masses with your loyalty.  You are an inspiring overachiever.  You are calm, kind, and peaceful.  I cannot express how proud I am of all you do, everyday.  You are the women who stay with me always. . . you know who you are.

Yes, tomorrow’s chapter is going to be light.  Funny.  Easy.  There will be no panic.  No crumbling.  No façade of calm –  until something or someone challenges me.

Because our favorite chapters are the ones that surprise us, so come on, surprise me.

I promise, I won’t back down.

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6 Responses to “Bring it on”

  1. 1 Beth

    Crumbling is not in your nature. This week WILL be better.

  2. 2 Jennifer

    You are absolutely amazing!

  3. I shouldn’t have spoken merely of the women who inspire me; it was all inclusive. Thanks Erik.

  4. 4 Erik

    “Why is the challenge of something more satisfying than the plain, old something?”

    Because life is fleeting and we don’t want to miss great things in our short time on earth.

  5. 5 Lynne Sanderson

    I think it all goes back to that stupid little train that says “I think I can” I think I can” … we wouldn’t appreciate our victories without our failures. You and Trev and the girls inspire me into “thinking I can” XOXOXO

  6. 6 Trevor

    Well said. I won’t either! Almost half way.


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