this human thing

17Mar10

Our moments of clarity always come when least expected.  So, as I was treating myself to the most feminine of luxuries, the eyebrow wax, I was taken aback by the conversation surrounding me.  I was a part of it; yet, I felt that I was listening to it from afar.  The truth of it silenced me.  It made me laugh.  The sentiment lingered long after the sting of the wax wore off; we are all human.  We are all just trying to figure this human thing out.

And, by the way, in case you haven’t noticed. . . it’s hard.

Being human, playing the game, casting yourself among other humans and opening yourself up for their criticism hurts.

But, it also helps.

I am finding that the more I put out there the more I trust myself. Believe in myself. Dare I say, like myself?  Yeah, I’ll say it; the more I like myself.

And, right now, whether or not you do – I like me.

Don’t misunderstand me; I suck at this human thing.  I think we all do sometimes.

I err.  I make mistakes every moment that I am awake.  The choices I make probably set me up for mistakes even while I sleep.  But, I am human.  My misgivings lead me into clarity; they allow me to trust that despite my blunders, I am doing some things right.  I hope that you make mistakes too.

I hurt.  I ache.  I long for different parts of different days.  I wish to recreate moments that would lead me in different directions.  Alas, I follow the direction of my soul.  I trust you are following your’s too.

I want more.  I am selfish.  I create space in my life to allow room for the thought that there is more out there.  It gets better.  And, for the outsider looking in, it seems ludicrous to think that I could find the time and space to want for more.  But, I do.  I refuse to believe that this is it.  I know that I am merely a small part, of a small world, within a universe much greater than myself.  I can want more.  I can do more.  I can be more. So can you.

I wish.  I wish for things I cannot have.  I wish for things I can have. I look to the sky, find stars, and cast my innermost yearnings into the universe.  Someone will hear me.  Someone is listening.  Maybe our dreams will coincide.

I forgive.  Over and over I embrace the idea.  I forgive myself.  I am human.  I have hurt others and myself, intentionally and unintentionally.  I have been hurt, intentionally and unintentionally.  But still, I move forward.  I take my human self and find the moment.  The moment, this moment, is where I am.  It is where you are.  Our human selves want to hold onto the last moment, they want to create the next.  Yet, we must find our present.  Live in our present.  Breathe in our present.  Forgive in our present.  It seems both possible and impossible.  You push me into possible.

I believe in myself.  I believe in you.  I know that together our shared beliefs, respected differences and mutual respect for one another will surmount the many obstacles that stand before us.  Although it feels insurmountable at times, we can only hope that the moments we get right, those rare moments that we execute exquisitely (albeit infrequently), balance us.

We are human.

And it is hard.

But this life, this life, is so worth it.

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2 Responses to “this human thing”

  1. 1 Beth

    Thanks.

  2. 2 Lauri

    All of these thoughts circulating your brain while your eyebrow hairs were being ripped from your head? More remarkable….you drafted this after book club? I was in bed about 15 mintes after arriving home. Thank you for your insights, gave me food for thought this morning.


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