PDA

14Feb10

Those who know me know that I love a microphone.  I love the projected voice, the captivated audience, the active, unplanned commentary.   I love that the things I think about privately tumble out so much easier when others are listening.   So, today, on Valentine’s Day, I am taking advantage of the audience.  Excuse the PDA.

Dear Valentine,

From afar it is so easy to miss you.  I justify the sadness and the emptiness because you are physically away from me.  But, I think you should know that I miss you in the same way when you are close.  I miss the idea of you.  I fear the longing of you.  I yearn for your touch even when you are sitting right next to me.

I am  baffled by the continuous awe that you evoke from me, even fifteen years after we first met.  I watch you with others, I watch you with our girls, I watch you by yourself and I am awed.  Over and over again.  You are the one thing that I know so well and still the one thing that I think I may never quite understand.  I wish that I could be so steady; that I could understand how to be completely whole in my own body.  Like you.

I am overcome with feelings of admiration for you.  And so now, in your absence, I must come to terms with missing you, supporting you, admiring you and finding the capacity to love you from afar, and maybe, it is easier for me to tell you this because you are not sitting in front of me, breaking my concentration with the intensity of your own thoughts.

I love you.  I love you now more that I loved you yesterday.  I am certain that I will not be able to love you any more tomorrow.

I feel undeserving of you.  You are the embodiment of imperfect perfection.  You are flawed and genuine.  You are mine.  How can that be?

I want you to support my dreams.   I want you to share my thoughts.  I want you to agree with me.  But I need you to question my dreams.  To challenge my thoughts.  To disagree.

And – you do. You love me unconditionally.  You love me when I probably do not deserve to be loved.  You love me in the midst of my unreasonableness.  You love me before I drink my morning coffee.  You love me when I ask you to do the most ridiculous tasks.  You love me when I am compassionate.  You love me when I am cruel.  You love me when I am tired.  You love me.  I know you do.  I never doubt that.

So, on this day of expressed affections, I will eat chocolate and listen to sappy love songs and dream of you; that is what you are suppose to do when you are in love without a valentine.  Only, my actions are not those of one with a broken heart, but rather of one with a heart that is overflowing.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for making me feel safe and secure.  Thank you for making me feel that I deserve you.

Missing you from the depths of my soul is a gift.

I hope your heart misses me too.

Always and forever yours,

Amy

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One Response to “PDA”

  1. 1 Cat

    I am sitting here reading this and crying…you are truly blessed. I love and miss you.


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